Oakland Raiders: Mark Davis Offering “Apology Packages” For 2017 Season

Platinum Level

And at the pinnacle of the “apology package” mountain is the Platinum Level. For an additional $200 dollars on top of your season seats, you are going to get quite the experience. One that is truly unique and can’t be had anywhere else.

If you pony up for the Platinum Level, you’re going to get everything included in the lower tier packages and a couple more things that will really make your head spin.

The first thing you will receive as a Platinum Level member is a voucher for a haircut. But not just any haircut. Oh, no. You are going to get the Mark Davis special. That’s right, you’re going to get your hair cut and styled just like Mark’s! You’ll look so good, you won’t be able to keep members of the opposite sex off of you.

And finally, as the ultimate act of contrition and to convey just how sorry he is, Platinum Level members will receive a life-size punching bag that looks exactly like Mark Davis — haircut and all. This will allow angry, heartbroken fans to vent their rage and punch Davis in the face over and over again – all without getting slapped with an assault charge.

Originally, it was believed that Davis was going to go the route actor Shia Labeouf went with his “performance art” and let people actually punch him in the face. But after a study was conducted, it was determined that the line would be miles long and that it would really, really hurt.

Hence, the development MD punching bag.

All of this is just Davis’ way of saying, “I’m Sorry,” because believe it or not, he truly does care.

And if you’re still reading to this point and haven’t quite caught on – though, we don’t know how you couldn’t have – this is our way of saying, Happy April Fool’s Day.