Deadspin Tells Us Why the Oakland Raiders Suck

Jun 11, 2013; Alameda, CA, USA; Oakland Raiders cornerback Tyvon Branch (33) and defensive backs Brandon Ross (29), Phillip Adams (28) and Charles Woodson (2) participate in drills at minicamp at the Raiders Practice Facility. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

If you haven’t read it already, Deadspin is doing a league-wide series on why each NFL team sucks, and on Monday, they broke down the Oakland Raiders.

Literally, they broke down the Raiders and tore them to pieces.

Here are some of the funniest excerpts:

On the Raiders’ dismal performance in the past decade:

In the past 10 years, the Raiders have lost 11 or more games eight times. The Tom Cable/Hue Jackson Years represent the apex of your past decade. Having fans who dress up like a third-tier ECW tag team does nothing to mask this team’s suck.

On head coach Dennis Allen:

Do we know if he’s an actual person and not simply a cardboard cutout of a stock photo placed along the sidelines in a shrewd cost-cutting maneuver?

On running back Darren McFadden and his history of injuries:

The day this guy logs his 250th carry of the season is the day I grow a p—s out of my forehead.

On the run-down O.Co Coliseum:

This team didn’t even have a greenskeeper until a year ago. Afghanistan can be rebuilt quicker than this flaming s—-wreck.

On their wide receivers:

They lost their best wideout in the offseason, which is a terrifying thought because Darrius Heyward-Bey shouldn’t even be the best receiver on a f—–g Arena League team. Josh Cribbs is now the team’s best wideout, which is bad because he doesn’t even really play wideout.

On Raiders fans:

They’re for real, all right. They aren’t pretending to be violent, horrible people. They ARE violent, horrible people.

These are just some of the funniest lines in that piece, written by Deadspin’s Drew Magary. If this doesn’t get a slight chuckle out of you, then you probably take the Raiders and the NFL way too seriously.

Topics: Oakland Raiders

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