Praise Jesus. With the March election of Pope Francis, stability in the Catholic Church has finally returned.
While one religious post has been filled, another equally important position remains vacant.
Yes, the Pope of Bay Area Sports, the most powerful title in California. (Governor Jerry Brown is envious.) A role that requires responsibility, morality, leadership, a legion of fans, and the ability to convey the wills of the baseball/basketball/football/hockey/soccer Gods.
The Pope of Bay Area Sports was previously John Madden, who held the seat for 30 years. Madden coached the Raiders to their first Super Bowl win, announced games on four national TV networks (CBS, FOX, ABC, NBC), and sponsored a revolutionary NFL video game. He even used his own Popemobile.
Unfortunately, Madden chose to retire and the job has been left vacant since 2009. Since Jeff Tedford is gone, who is worthy of claiming the throne?
Carson Palmer? Hell no. Despite his unwavering poise and willingness to teach the youngins, Palmer has made countless enemies through the years, and the quarterback would surely be an assassination target.
Buster Posey? The reigning NL MVP handles the quirky pitching staff and possesses cute looks that would make a Castro District lesbian blush. But the catcher is only 25-years-young, and he would not have the experience and credibility required to hold the position (this too applies to Colin Kaepernick’s eligibility).
We should also consider coaches. Is Mark Jackson legitimate? His wisdom and patience are valued traits for the job, but his alleged affair with a former stripper may hurt his candidacy.
The man born for the role may be Jim Harbaugh. Raised in poverty, Harbaugh earned the humility to relate to his followers, and he has been willing to question the status-quo. If California seeks to modernize the holy post, the 49ers coach is an ideal selection.
Whoever is voted in as Pope of Bay Area Sports faces enormous pressure to lead the West Coast’s most diverse population. Will he be up to the task? Time will tell. But if Madden’s ideology taught us anything, the best course is to never over think.