Call me delusional, but the Kings are staying in Sacramento. The United States of America will also pay off its federal debt. A little optimism never hurts.
Nonetheless, it’s nice to have a backup plan, and in case the team relocates, people in the Sacramento Valley will need something to do with all the new spare time on their hands. Here are some hip, fun (legal) activities to take your mind off the beloved Kings:
1) Family time.
Let’s face it. You have a limited time on Earth, so why not spend it with your loved ones? Sit by the fireplace, share stories about growing up, and give thanks. Nothing can replace your family. Put in the time to build relationships with your relatives, because a random accident can take them away at any moment.
2) Play basketball at a park.
If you can’t shake your mind off the Peja-Vlade era, why not re-enact their greatest victories at your local double-rimmed hoop station? Scientists have proven exercise is good for you, and even a half-court competition will work your cardio. If the emotional or physical pain is too much, consider option three.
3) Attend a Sacramento River Cats game.
Aside from the Kings, baseball is America’s pastime. The River Cats are the Oakland A’s AAA minor league affiliate, and the roster they field every year is competitive and exciting (thanks to Moneyball and rehab assignments). Last season, Yoenis Cespedes, Manny Ramirez(!), Brett Anderson, Chris Carter, Jarrod Parker and A.J. Griffin made appearances in Raley Field, which is located in West Sacramento. Along with the team, the stylish ballpark hosts concerts and firework displays. Plus the tickets are dirt-cheap!
4) Attend a Sacramento State Hornets game.
For those who don’t know, college is a great place to get crazy, and go watch a sports game. CSU Sacramento is a Division I program that competes in basketball, football, soccer, gymnastics and volleyball in addition to baseball. While the university is an underdog in most matchups (a familiar perspective for Kings fans), the school has developed professional talent, including quarterback Ken O’Brien and outfielder Tim Wheeler, who were both first round selections in the NFL and MLB respectively.
5) Go to the movies.
If you were spooked by the Aurora, Colorado theater shooting, consider that you’re exponentially more likely to die in a car accident driving halfway across town. The terrorist attack was a statistical anomaly. That being said, there are some intriguing films being released this coming summer, such as Man of Steel, Grown Ups 2, The Smurfs 2, and Jurassic Park 3D. A few theaters in the area have started a $5 movie campaign, where you can watch new flicks on Tuesdays for half-off.
6) Go to a water park.
Sacramento has two water parks: Raging Waters (in Cal Expo) and Roseville Golfland-Sunsplash. For more intense slides, visit Raging Waters, but both venues feature a massive wave pool. If you never learned to swim, you can still enjoy yourself by observing delicious eye candy. And if large crowds are not your thing, take a dive in Folsom Lake or the American River. The water looks dirty but it’s not.
7) Go to a library.
Honor LeVar Burton by renting a book at the library. Whether you’d like to read a sports almanac, Hatchet or the Holy Quran, you’re in luck. There are always hard copies available. Libraries serve as internet cafes as well, so the entertainment possibilities are endless. Just don’t forget to bring your inside-voice.
8) Use a driving range.
Do you hate the Maloof brothers? The three stooges attempting to kill the Sacramento Kings? If you bring your 1-wood to a driving range, envision the golf ball as Joe, Gavin or George’s head and hack away. Imagine how therapeutic that would be.
9) Visit the California State Railroad Museum.
Trains are awesome, according to BART and Amtrak riders. (Get ready for high-speed rail.) The transcontinental railroad ended in Sacramento, so a museum was built in old town to cement its history. Inside the property, there are several retired steam locomotives you can enter, and enough factual tidbits to make your head explode. Isn’t the Kings arena called “Sleep Train” or something?
10) Reminisce at a dive bar.
When all else fails, join your fellow Kings fans at the local brew house and drown your misery with potent liquor. Bar hopping has been a game day tradition since 1985 (the Kings’ inaugural season), but with no NBA tickets and merchandise to buy, Sacramento saloons may encounter a surge in profit. If you are under 21 years of age, see options 1-9.